Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My Hiatus

Hello.  Yes, I DO know it has been an awfully long time since I posted -- seven months, to be exact.  I’m sure my millions of readers have been frantically checking their computers 50 times a day to see if I’ve posted anything new.  It’s not that I haven’t thought about blogging.  It’s just been so hard to do.  I blog about my everyday life and my everyday life has undergone a massive loss.
You see, I lost my sweet mama two months ago.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago.  Two years ago, it came back in her lungs.  It was subdued for a while with aggressive chemotherapy.  Late last summer, it roared back with a vengeance.  First it attacked her brain and then it attacked her bones.  Through it all, she taught me.  Her love and concern for her family and friends overflowed. Even during those last, bedridden, pain-filled days she spoke about gratitude and continued to teach me about love, grace, forgiveness, and courage.  Trying to write about her is a bit like rubbing my aching heart over a cheese grater.  Everything still feels so raw.  But, NOT writing about her feels dishonest.  I mean, she was my mother.  She was my first love, first teacher, protector, advisor and champion.  How can I not write about her?

We spoke on the phone almost every day.  I miss her wise counsel.  I miss hearing her laugh on the other end.  From long habit, my hand reaches for the phone to call and ask her a question or relay some minutiae of my day that I know she’d appreciate.  How there’s a little wren building a nest in a pot of flowers on the deck again this year.  That my son will be getting braces soon.  That the groundhog has come out of hibernation and is, once again, tormenting my poor puppies.  How my heart was broken this morning when my own daughter told me about the boys at school who had teased her for something.
My resolution to practice being grateful in all things has been sorely tried over the last months.  I miss her fiercely.  There is a gaping, aching hole in my heart and I am fairly certain it’s irreparable.   But, at the end of the day, I AM grateful.  I am grateful that I had a mother who loved me, as the children’s book says, “no matter what.”   I am grateful that she chose to be my parent and didn't worry about being my best friend.  I  am grateful for all the life lessons and am coming to realize that there is one more lesson, one more thing to be grateful for:  She equipped me to do what I need to do without her.  Isn't that one of the better gifts we can give to our children? 

Thank you, Mama.  I love you and I miss you.